Friday, July 02, 2010

Stitch this, Bitch

Hello. This is Shagnasty. I didn't get any sort of awesome italicized introduction when my first review was posted. Fucking lame, Shiner. LAME. Anyway . . .

When I was 12-years-old, my mother decided it was time for me to learn how to sew. She plopped me down in front of her 20-year-old Kenmore machine to go over the basics. However, before I was allowed to sew anything, she insisted on telling me this story:

"When your aunt was learning how to sew, she wasn't paying attention and sewed clean through her hand. There was so much blood! And she couldn't get her hand out of the sewing machine! She was screaming bloody murder, and the poodles were yipping and yapping all over the place, and your grandma almost had a heart attack!"

Being a neurotic 12-year-old girl with a vivid imagination, in my head I could see the needle piercing my tiny hand over and over again, leaving me looking like some Mary Shelleyesque freak. I burst into tears and refused to continue, despite my mother's desperate apologies.

My traumatic introduction to sewing was comparable to reading this craft "blog".

Lady, I'm not sure how you found us, and I'm wondering if you even read the URL to this site, let alone reading the FAQ. Oh well. Here you go . .

Aesthetically, your site is okay. Fairly simple design, with lots of pictures of the projects. However, there's too much shit in the sidebars and the site isn't very organized. The "About Me" is halfway down the page (just a link to the generic Blogger User Profile). The first thing in the sidebar is a link to your Etsy store. Mucho tacky. Also, there are only two posts per page.

You also have a lot of links to other crafting blogs. If you're trying to have some sort of online quilting bee thing, that would actually be pretty cool. But I kind of suspect you're just doing it to participate in the huge mommy blog circle-jerk though.

To be honest, Shannon, I'm not sure what you're going for with this blog. It's not really a personal site, because I have no clue who you are. Therefore, I don't really care about why you're making these crafts. If it was a personal blog, with an occasional craft twist to it, I could deal with that, but it's not.

By that, I mean that it's not really a professional crafting site either. You call it a crafting guide, but then you only show how to do a couple crafts. When you finally get around to giving directions, they're filled with asinine personal fluff that no one cares about.

Some posts read like an ad for the product. In others, you just give a link to another site, while showing pictures of what you created. Why would someone choose to read your vapid writing, when they can just follow the thousands of blogs that give directions for unique crafts the site owner has created on their own? Maybe your mom cares enough to see your artwork on your cyber-fridge, but the rest of the internet doesn't give a shit because you're an adult.

The rest of your posts are of the "I'm gonna post a real blog soon, I swear!" variety. Don't fucking post ANYTHING unless you're gonna post something real. If you don't have time to do crafts and blog about it, then just do crafts and give up the blog. To quote you, "Easy Peasy!"

That's another thing. You're a grown-ass woman. Using emoticons and excessive exclamation points is juvenile for a personal blog, and unprofessional for a craft blog. Please, for the love of baby Jesus, stop sounding like a teenager.

Anyway, since you refer to Martha Stewart by her first name only (which is just fucking creepy), I'm giving you this awesome picture of Martha dressed like a yeti with sticks on her head:

And because I can't figure out what the hell you're doing, you get a:


  1. Alex, I'll take 'Things my Grandmother Would Have Enjoyed Before She Drank Herself To Death' for $800.

  2. And it's a Daily Double! This blog contributed to your grandmother's untimely but completely expected alcohol-fueled suicide.

  3. "maybe your mom cares enough to see your artwork on your cyber-fridge, but the rest of the internet doesn't give a shit because you're an adult."

    I'm guessing her mom doesn't care either.

  4. The first two comments are the funniest things I've read all week.

  5. I can't even be funny or find funny anything that involves Martha Stewart. Fastidiousness in the superficial.

  6. Shag-loved your sewing story. Any time you can remind your a parent of their tremendous failings, it's a great day.

  7. ...and then I was impressed by a reviewer who managed to put more than two words together in reviewing this blog.
    Oh, wait a minute, even I could have done that!
    1) Fuck
    2) off

  8. Can anyone instruct me as to how I would make the perfect centrepiece out of two pinecones and a condom (unused)?

  9. No shit, mongoliangirl. It was hard to write this review since there wasn't much to go off of.

  10. I don't know ellie, but I'm sure it involves a glue gun and glitter.

  11. My sex life usually involves glitter and a glue gun.

    And felt.

  12. My sex life involves chasing tail. And avoiding talons.


Grow a pair.