Friday, November 26, 2010

Oy Gevalt!


The Real Stuff Cats Like is blindingly, astoundingly stupid. Lighting-a-smoke-in-a-pool-of-gasoline stupid; stopping-to-ask-a-hooker-for-directions-with-a-police-cruiser-sitting-across-the-street stupid. It takes an IQ measured in popsicle-sticks to look at this blog and not immediately decide they’ve got better things to do, which is why I considered just posting a naked link with the title, 'Why Bother?' (and, perhaps, why it‘s taken me so long to finish this review), but, despite not being on the payroll here at Ask for a while, I am a professional. Of course, all that affords me is the arduous task of whittling through brainless drivel like I was settling an argument between two stringy-haired, slap-fighting harpies down at the laundromat, but whittle I did…

A horror-slash-political-slash-cat-face blog, Stuff Cats Like appears to have been designed by a triage of blind squirrels with but a cursory understanding of photoshop and makes dogshit ground into the bottom of a shoe look like an aesthetic fucking marvel. I’ve seen better designs in the light-patterns exploding behind my eyes after being punched in the face, and more impressed, too, because at least that guy, unlike ol’ Teddy here, put some effort into it.

It’s not just that I’ve heard tighter narrative focus from a trepanned creationist who speaks only in Avril Lavigne lyrics, or that seagulls alighting on land-mines hold together better than this blog’s at-best limited premise (which consists mostly of moronic script-treatments/faux-celebrity reportage featuring Nick Cannon, and is far more interesting in description than it is in practice), or that Insane Clown Posse rocks a slicker shtick despite being legally retarded, no… what really sets this fuckwitted nonsense apart is that, all of a sudden, for no discernable reason, this shitstain of a blogger just decided to start throwing around offensive epithets like they were his mom’s apparently-defective morning-after pills. To wit:
She can handle a whip like Indiana Jones and unless you’re a fag her sexy gams will make your dick as hard as a diamond.
Notice that I didn’t call the guy a Jewboy either, I said J-boy.
Shocking? Hardly - I’ve been more appalled by a fourth-grade production of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, and having spent a fair amount of time with the British I’m pretty desensitized to the word 'cunt'. No, the most offensive aspect of this blog isn’t the ham-fisted name-calling or the flailing use of pre-adolescent vernacular but that it’s fucking boring: tepid, insipid, limp and unimaginative, Stuff That Cats Like is an unreadable reminder both that a complete and utter lack of creativity is no impediment to starting a blog, and that the platform of Blogger is evidently idiot-proof. I’ve never seen a more pathetic cry for attention, and I’ve read Madonna’s Sex book.

Some, like Mr. Teddy Puertodipshit, would doubtlessly brag about receiving flaming fingers from us, so I award him this


because I’m confident he hasn’t the cognitive capacity to fill in the blanks, and he was obnoxious enough to submit this dripping sack of horseshit three times. Well, here you are, fuckball, your review’s all done; now you can delete your blog and go back to scratching clever notes into the stall-wall of your favourite public washroom. Oh, and don’t forget that a drawing of a penis needs a huge amount of pubic-hair, because that’s fucking hilarious.

87 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  2. I am saddened you did not mention any of the singing or music videos on the blog.

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  3. I like offensive. I mean, that's why I read here. But not offensive like _that_.

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  4. I just think it was a bit over the reviewer's head. Nothing on my blog was meant to be offensive or shocking in the first place.

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  5. I showed it to my cat. She ran under the bed and won't come out.

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  6. Yeah, TheoPuerto, I'm sure it just went right over Nutjob's head. Using the word 'axe' instead of 'ask' is pretty fucking complicated humor.

    Best review in ages. And probably the worst header in the history of blogging.

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  7. I swear I've read TheoTard's blog before.
    No...wait...that was one of the more frightening hallucinations I had this morning as I rather painfully evacuated my bowel of the horrendous number of pumpkin muffins I've ingested during the past 48 hours.
    Nevermind.

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  8. MG--I'm sorry, but the mental image you conjure up is way too funny for so early in the morning.

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  9. Oh, and Nutjobber, I could not agree more...
    One of the best conversations I've ever had was with a group of men from Birmingham and Liverpool whose use of the word cunt helped me realize why I've always been so offended by it. Indeed, until I can use it with as little heat as, say, asking for another glass of water, I will not be a complete human being.

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  10. HIF: Funny? Yes. True? Unfortunately.

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  11. Generally, I don't care for cats. But, more solidly, I don't care for cat people.

    This is not a universally applied, hard and fast rule, as there are at least two cat people who are near and dear friends to me, but in general, if I don't have the time to make a full and proper determination, if you are cat people, I don't care for you.

    Statements such as "I just think it was a bit over the reviewer's head" are a very good example of why.

    Dumbshit.

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  12. I almost wonder whether he was trying for insane over-the-top camp with deliberately bad graphics for added comic effect. I hope he was aiming for something along those lines and the blog is the horrifying failure of that effort; because man, if that blog in itself was what he was aiming for, there's ... just no hope for the cats of the world.

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  13. Whatevs. My blog is totally awesome. Get over it.

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  17. On another note, I had to crap again. Damn pumpkin muffin goodness.

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  18. Well, you wouldn't know that about me unless you'd been nosing around my personal blog, so thanks for the traffic.

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  19. Really? You just typed that about HIF? Wow. I would like to be mortified or horrified or something, but keep being interrupted by thoughts of volunteering my ranch, crow bar and donkey for getting your pathetic ass seriously stump broke.

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  20. MG--I heart you and the donkey you rode in on.

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  23. That boy is taking on Mongo and HiF? Absurd little fool.

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  24. But he's just so pitiful, Elder. That comment about "...cunt is my thing" just made me feel sorry for him. Poor little guy.

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  25. I imagine "little" is the operative word here, in more ways than one.

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  26. Of course, it's the pitiful ones that are the most fun to stump break. They always cry a lot, swear they'll confess all kinds of dirty little things if we don't do it, and often call the donkey 'Mama' when things get especially painful.

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  27. Off to bed to dream of making sure I've got fresh batteries in the camera before we stump break TheoTard.
    I've decided it's the best route. It's been a while and the donkey gets a little janky if we don't bring him a little friend every now and then.

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  28. Take some advice chap. A bird in the eye is better than two in the fellow's mitt. But you're all just washed up hamburger so the birds ain't even there.

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  29. Wow. Just wow. I'm afraid I'm going to have to renege on my offer to have you stump broke out here on the ranch, TheoTard. I'm really sorry, but there's nothing sadder than bringing our donkey someone who is so below his standards that he just walks away. It's just not fair to anyone.

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  30. I ain't walked away chap. I'm still here. Where are you?

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  31. This Theo sounds like a proper gentleman. Mayhaps I should have him over for tea? I am sure my mother would love to meet him.

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  32. So... I guess it's okay to start in on his dead sister as long as we delete it a couple of hours later?

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  33. According to TheoTard's theory, yes.

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  34. Neat.

    I don't think we should, mind you... I just like to know the parameters.

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  35. I like it that this -

    We also ask, that if you enjoy The Real Stuff Cats Like, or if this video makes you laugh, please go over to Ask And Ye Shall Receive and defend our honor by posting a comment under our review.

    (If you do post a comment you will also be entering to win copies of two collections of Edward Lee's sick short fiction "Bullet Through Your Face" and "Brain Cheese Buffet". Whoever writes the best sickest comment in defense of The Real Stuff Cats Like will win these two awesome books!).

    - is included with his latest blog post and not one person has commented there or here to defend his so-called honor.

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  36. He doesn't wish your cancer would come back, he just wishes he wasn't so painfully aware of his own misery. It goes without saying he's aware his blog bites.

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  37. Gap--He's a kid who probably has parents that ignore him. I give him grace and hope that he outgrows this social ineptitude.

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  38. I think he is a mutant cat.

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  39. According to his youtube profile he's 30.

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  40. You posted those two comments in your defense, TP. Guess what I sense.

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  41. From his "blog" - "We also ask, that if you enjoy The Real Stuff Cats Like, or if this video makes you laugh, please go over to Ask And Ye Shall Receive and defend our honor by posting a comment under our review. "

    And that video... is he high?

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  42. Oh, and the more times someone calls me a hipster the more I take it as a fucking compliment. If being a hipster means recognizing a lobotomy-case over the internet, then by all means...you're making me blush.

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  43. If you're basing your assessment on that one time I called you "fagit", Shiner, I'm going to have to ask for some more sources.

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  44. A 30 year old man who likes Katy Perry and talks/types like a 7 year old with downs'... Am I wrong in laughing at him?

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  45. Dammit NJ, I thought we weren't going to bring that up anymore.

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  46. Does anyone speak Spanish? I can't understand a word Puertoriquez is sputtering. Is he trying to type with his itty bitty manparts?

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  47. If any of you were as hard as you act online you wouldn't make your personal information so difficult to trace through here. What are you scared you can't be this obnoxious with people when meeting them in person?

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  48. I think it's trying to communicate.

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  49. You're real funny. Attacking someone's 7 year old child. You people really are pathetic.

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  50. I think he's just snatching random sentence-fragments off the interweb. Or, he's in the middle of a brain-aneurysm.

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  51. What a clever bunch of chaps you all are. I'll gladly repay you on Thursday for a hamburger today.

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  52. We are pretty clever, I'll grant you that... what I'm confused about, however, is why you would link to someone who has such unflattering things to say about you, Teddy.

    I'd think about updating that header.

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  53. Whatevs. I'm still a fan of hers. I'm not changing the header. She is hot. Who cares what she says.

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  54. I've never seen such a collection of pure cockchappery collected in a single area since the great lord Poseidon, in his wrath, sank great Atlantis beneath the waves in a terrible cataclysm a billion gajillion.five years ago. Like I said before, "Get thee to an ocean seahags!" Ha ha ha!

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  55. I would just like to take a minute to say, heck - I genuinely get a tingle out of TP's blog. I do. For one, anything with a cat face is funny. Cat voices, cat faces, cats talking - I am all for it. Anything that uses cats AND vile profanity together is better. I admire his extreme sense of impropriety. I usually have the guts to write really vile or inappropriate things, but often I chicken out. TP never chickens out.

    And, he's not used to this many witty people, so he's naturally getting flustered. I'd be stammering if you all turned on me. He's handling it better than most people would. Most people are basically idiots, so he's not used to seeing so many people with IQ's above 90 in one place. You can't blame him for that.

    There's something so terrifying about his sheer unabashed descriptions of violent rape and murder mixed with silly jokes and images - childlike, yet deadly. Calculated, yet unaware of his own intensity. He fascinates me. I enjoy the write-ups dedicated to women, in particular. He has devoted one to me and I even got a song sung to me by a cat!

    Now, while I can't say I agree with him about his header links, I truly believe that we need blogs like this so that the boring stuff (by the way, I can't say I fully appreciate all of the blogs you rated highly) doesn't make us all fall asleep.

    Besides, he uses proper grammar and - have you HEARD the cute voice on that cat?

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  56. Oh, Superheidi... I absolutely can blame him for behaving like a complete fucking idiot - it's one of my superpowers, much like yours is, I believe, conflict-resolution.

    You see, once a person wishes CANCER on another, regardless of whatever admiration you hold for such "extreme impropriety", said cancer-wishing dipshit immediately loses any sympathy he otherwise might have gained for being "flustered" by our gigantic collective intellect.

    Also: exactly how is it not "chickening out" to wish fucking CANCER on someone before deleting said vile comment? It would seem to me that such an action would stand as the very definition of "chickening out".

    So, all that being said, you go ahead and enjoy yourself - Merry Christmas.

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  57. You're the only one chickening out by harping on that cancer comment and ignoring any of the points she made in defense of my blog. Anyway if you're going to turn a blog review into a personal attack on somebody you shouldn't be surprised if they attack you about your canceriness. In the words of Fran Drescher, "Cancer shmancer!" Ha ha ha! You chaps really can't see when the tomfoolery ends and the horseplay begins. It is one of your many failures.

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  58. Hmm... so a quick perusal of the comments would suggest that HIF mentioned that her cat disliked your blog so much that it ran under the bed, and followed that scathing personal attack with a "yawn - next" comment. With those two awful, awful comments in your pocket, you then wished fucking CANCER on her.

    Honestly, I'm curious: are you carrying your brain around in a wet sack or something? Superheidi can defend your blog until she's as blue as a face-fucked monkey, but she's not going to change my opinion because I reviewed your blog - I read the whole thing, it sucked, end of story.

    I'd also like to take a quick peek at the dictionary you're using that equates "ignoring useless information" with "chickening out". Why don't you go ahead and ask that colostomy-bag brain of yours for a clue - it might be useful to think a little when commenting here.

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  59. "You're the only one chickening out by harping on that cancer comment and ignoring any of the points she made in defense of my blog."

    Yeah and you know what? she's the only real defender you have; you penned the other comments yourself. That's sad. Even a CAT knows when to back retreat.

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  60. Teddy,

    I want to back up a minute and consider what got us to this point in the first place--your unfavorable review.

    I am going to assume that you skipped the FAQs and the verbage on the Submit section. If you had read those instructions then you would've known that your blog wasn't going to fare well.

    Teddy--AAYSR is about writing. It's not about talking cats or photoshop or blinkity-blink widgets. It's about putting one word in front of another in a coherent manner. We'll even forgive janky fonts of different sizes IF THE WRITING IS GOOD--just check out http://wwwjusteatit.blogspot.com. Michele breaks almost every rule, but she writes like an angel.

    The blogs that fare well here make us think, laugh and cry. They're not rocket science--but we find ways to relate to our readers. Hell, my last post was about mustard, but do you know why it worked? It got my readers thinking. It got them off the couch and into their kitchens looking at their own mustard. We connected.

    Teddy, if you really are 30, then you know better than to act the way you have around here. It's easy for you to toss off the cancer schmancer line, but unless you've been the one sleeping on the bathroom floor because you're too tired to move after puking your guts out for a hour, you just don't have the right.

    That's why you struck a chord with MG and Nutjobber and Gap. Those people have never met me in real life. I don't even know where Nutjobber's personal blog is (NJ--if there is one, will you email me the link?) But they recognized the utter depravity of your remark and responded.

    If you want to blog, go forth and blog. Just keep your litter box on the other side of internet.

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  61. I would, however, like to say that I bed TheoTard has figured out how type quickly with one had while jacking himself off with the other.

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  62. It appears that you can, Mongo.

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  63. MG--That's not exactly what it means, but you're close.

    And Scorpio--many thanks. I have a feeling Teddy and his litter box have left the building.

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  64. I got your comment. Honestly, I don't have much to say on this issue past what I have already stated.
    Jeff, I do have to ask how you can say "You're real funny. Attacking someone's 7 year old child. You people really are pathetic." when you said those things about my kids and "If any of you were as hard as you act online you wouldn't make your personal information so difficult to trace through here. What are you scared you can't be this obnoxious with people when meeting them in person?" when you have never made yours known after all you've said and done. You still go by three different names as well so I don't think a challenge of courage is very valid coming from you.

    Guys, he has wished cancer on me,accused a film maker of molesting his son (WHICH WAS UNTRUE), blogged/fantasized about killing my kids, even made remarks about an actress I know needing to be murdered, but in the end he does it for THIS type of attention.

    Don't let him get to you, just ignore him and go about your business as usual.

    Cool blog by the way. :) I never use mine but I like what you are doing with yours. :)

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  65. But Dai, I'm already fixated on getting him stump broke.

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  66. Hi Mongolian Girl!

    quote: Oh, and if you do decided to come to the ranch, bring Superheidi.

    I can't understand you - can you rephrase using proper English?

    This is my second visit here, and I can feel the hostility coming off of everyone in giant skin flakes. I thought maybe comments were enabled to engage conversation, but apparently, they are just for insults and stupidity. I don't enjoy getting called a bitch just for playing devil's advocate (or for all you know, being SARCASTIC about much of what I said about the blog). Especially from someone who can't even spell or use the English language properly on an English-speaking blog's comments area.

    Anyway, I don't really think this blog is much better than Theodore's in terms of maturity, opinion sharing, or real concrete critique. Have fun, children! Good luck and peace out. I'm too old for this shit.

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  67. Heidi how on earth does anyone have a successful "conversation" with a nutcase? and indeed TP is a nutcase. He added the insane element to this so-called discussion long before you arrived. Just a quick perusal of the insanity going on here in all directions should have been enough to clue you in. You can't come back days later and call foul. You knew it was crazy already.

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  68. I'm not gonna lie, Superheidi: I did not pick up on any sarcasm from your first comment. None whatsoever.

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  69. Anybody else wonder exactly what superpowers Superheidi wields? I keep thinking that blonde braids must be involved.

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  70. Thanks Superheidi. You are right - I used the word decided when I should have used decide and caused my sentence to be utterly unintelligable.
    My apologies.

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  71. Yeah, you definitely won. In fact, everyone gets prizes bc you gave these web losers with no actual friends (always "we've never actually met but...") a common foe to express their hostility. Jesus, this whole blog is designed to evaluate, judge, and criticize. Who are you to judge? Another fucking stupid forum where familiarity and asskissing heavy posters trumps any real discussion. Supheidi made decent points in a polite, well written manner, yet she gets instantly and repeatedly jumped on by an ugly biatch. And "your thing" re: donkey rape wasn't funny the first time. He's clearly goading you into aggression by feigning infantile and oblivious. And ppl perhaps looking at their mustard? You're proud of that offering? You "connected"? How sad, get a drink or catch a movie w a friend. And now, I too will leave you're silly little, self-esteem maintaing enclosure. And don't even think I'll peek back later, I have no interest. Ergo, I win too.

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  72. A couple of nits to pick, Tom (to borrow Mr. Woperchild's wonderful phrase):

    Jesus, this whole blog is designed to evaluate, judge, and criticize.

    Um, yeah - that's the design, all right. Nice to see you're paying attention.

    And now, I too will leave you're silly little, self-esteem maintaing enclosure. And don't even think I'll peek back later, I have no interest.

    I'd be pretty upset as well if a) I wasn't able to figure out the proper "your" for the occasion, and b) commas and clunky sentence structure gave me as much trouble as they do you.

    Also, for the record, one doesn't just write a syntactical-abomination of breathless vitriol without checking, at least once, to see how it's received, so I'll see you in a few, Tom?

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  73. Nutjobber--Can I offer you a side of mustard with that grammar lesson?

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  74. And Jesus palomino...will none of them ever realize that IT'S ABOUT THE WRITING?

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  75. Hi Tom. Saw you peekin'. Naughty little boy.
    The fact of the matter is the donkey stump breaking comments are usually about me entertaining myself. However, in the case of the (as HIF so aptly put it) utterly depraved comment from TheoTard, I meant it.
    And I couldn't give a flat flyin' fuck how well someone writes up a comment (ie Superheidi). If they're going to follow a comment like TheoTard's with with support, they are indeed a bitch.

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  76. Jesus appaloosa! Did I just type that whole comment to myself. I mean, Tom's not checking back so...maybe I was.
    In that case, just thought I'd let everybody know I have taught my donkey to shake. You know, like you teach a dog to shake hands. It's really cute.

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  77. A donkey shaking? Freaking awesome. I love donkeys btw. Perth has a donkey appreciation society.

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  78. Jesus piebald! I'd like to shake that donkey's hoof.

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  79. A donkey appreciation society? That's one of the most beautiful things I've ever heard.
    Jesus friesan! He'd shake your hand any day, madame!

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Grow a pair.