Tuesday, August 26, 2008

White Trash Diva

I come from a long line of poor white trash. My dad's family grew up in the Ozark Mountains of Missouri, living in beat-up trailers on farms full of rocks back in the holler. I can't hear Ozark Mountain Jubilee without wanting to take a road trip home on Route 66, through those twisty red roads covered with flint and oak leaves, embellished with black-eyed susans and orange dust.

So trust me when I say that I have a high level of tolerance for rednecks. In many ways, as a girl who grew up shoveling manure and riding in rodeos, I am one, still, and it doesn't lay very far underneath my corporate persona (such as it is). Anyone who knows me in real life (Calamity, for instance), can affirm this. I'm not that ladylike, and I'd just as soon be leaping off a platform at the local spring with the teenage boys as sitting here in my office in a dress. Or, being shot at, that's always good, too.

So, I didn't expect today's blogger to get on my last damn nerve, but she did. First off, let me say that ANYONE who refers to herself as a princess, queen, or diva should have been killed at birth. Nothing good ever comes of these kinds of women, and I almost always hate them without exception. And, when you tell me in your ugly, blurry header that "all I know how to do is bitch," I want to rassle you down and rip your titties and tiara off.

That's never a good start, is it? You know an ass reaming is fixing to follow, just like Arkansas boys follow a herd of sheep, mooning after a hot date.

Item 1: The redneck corporate persona wears thin for me, darlin. I call bullshit. You're just trying too damn hard. It's too shallow, there isn't enough depth to your posts. I don't buy that the person you put on your blog is the real you. I don't get why a grown woman would feel a need to prove how much she drinks and smokes and swears, and how that person is the REAL her. Is it so you can show you haven't sold your soul to the company man? Mostly, I think you're lost, searching for an identity, and glomming on to whatever comes easiest. You aren't willing to put it out there and post anything of substance and meaning, so you rely on the tired old "you might be a redneck" bullshit. Dammit. Can I get a fucking amen on how sick I am of that particular persona?

Item 2: I hate your template. Your header image is ugly, I can't read the font, and I loathe your tagline. I hate how many goddamn graphics you have on your blog. I hate it that you have your post labels directly under your post titles, which is fucking confusing as hell. Move that shit down to the bottom of your post, like any sane person. I hate your cluttered sidebar. Clean that shit up. Follow the advice here. Look at some of our well-reviewed blogs. You can find them here.

Item 3: Unless you're posting pictures of a ram's ginormous testicals, lay the fuck off. I'm setting a strict limit of 1 picture per post for you. You aren't a 12-year-old on myspace. I'm assuming you've had a computer for a while now. Grow up.

Item 4: I hate your content. I hate the fact that you don't put your writing into actual paragraphs.

Don't ever say this about your kids again:
Another bad habit is that I love to torment the children. They are really turds and since they don’t do what they are supposed to, I feel it my duty to make them as miserable as possible.

Not to sound like a tight ass, but your children aren't turds. If they are, the blame lays squarely on your doorstep. Being a parent is a privilege. People who down-talk their families piss me off. It's low class.

Also, don't reference your darling grandpa immediately following a paragraph about pole dancing.

Stop fucking bragging about being a drunk bitch. That went out of style when you were 21. At our age (near 40), it makes you look retarded.

Listen, I'm the girl who once made out with my cousin after a funeral (his dad's). I get redneck. Do you get how despicable your content is when I'm calling you low class?

In short, in a half hour of reading, I could not find a single goddamn post of yours that didn't piss me off in some way. I wouldn't read your blog again if you paid me to serve as CFO. In short, your blog makes me want to find new and different places to punch a bitch. I've done uterus, ovaries, and kidneys to death, so maybe I'll start with your appendix and then swing a bag of quarters at your thighs.

Grow up, sweetie. Your blog lacks any goddamn semblance of class, depth, talent, or any other thing that would interest me.

I rate you:



You're not even a good train wreck.

84 comments:

  1. "I want to rassle you down and rip your titties and tiara off."

    Classic.

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  2. P.S. Her blog post for today starts off "I just got the news that my happy ass has been reviewed by Ask & Ye Shall Receive. And they didn’t rip me apart. Cool, huh?"


    ...

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  3. Obviously she is retarded if she doesn't think she got ripped apart.

    Amen!

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  4. That was a beautiful, on the money, ass reaming!
    Oh, and AMEN!

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  5. I was confused by her blog post today too, because I'd call that an ass reaming. A bad of quarters has been swung. That is never good. I had a hell of a time figuring out what the header said, and she does seem to be trying a bit hard. I mean, redneck is and redneck is. And I'm pretty aware of it, but she's not really redneck, per se, she's more. . . trashball. There is a difference. Redneck is a way of life; trashball is a way of college life and it's dirty and skanky and you end up sitting on your ass in communal showers thinking about vomiting because of the smell of your peach shampoo.

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  6. you end up sitting on your ass in communal showers thinking about vomiting because of the smell of your peach shampoo.

    I pretty much left those days behind after puking once because peach snaps was coming out of my pores while running hungover in college.

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  7. How exactly does one go about ripping titties off? It's not an easy thing to do, they tend to slip out of your grasp and scream and call the police.

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  8. I love that she thinks the blurb about upcoming reviews was her review.

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  9. Woozie:

    It works best with the C-D cups. You just need to get a firm grip, and yank. It's especially easy with the old bitches like today's reviewee, because they are hanging kinda low and loose, and they just pop right off with a slight sucking sound.

    Cal: Seriously. I was in the midst of writing it when I clicked back to the blog to find a graphic, and saw that. I about died laughing.

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  10. Wait, that's probably peach schnapps, huh, not "snaps."

    ^everyone laugh at the retarded girl above.

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  11. Honestly, I've had a right coughing fit from the laughter.

    Phlegm all over the fucking place.

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  12. LB, helmet? Blue Kool Aid?

    Seriously, fuck this bitch. For that shit she threw up about her kids. I hope they fucking put her ass in a nursing home as soon as they can.

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  13. I absolutely hated her blog. What a loser. What an absolute waste of pixels.

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  14. You are the one exception to the queen rule, darlin. And, I mean that down to my little pink toenails. The mutha has spoken, and thus we know, this blogga be a waste o'skin & nail polish.

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  15. I feel so much better about my blog now...

    I grew up redneck, and she is someone I wouldn't have hung out with - EVER. I hate the way she talks about her family. Loser.

    D

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  16. You gotta have mad skills to be a proper drunken writer. I mean, first you recognize that it's embarrassing as fuck and completely inappropriate to go through life that way, and then learn not to give a shit about it. Like Hemingway, or Bukowski.

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  17. You know, I'm glad that I'm not the only person in the blogoshere who gets that there is just some shit you don't do...Sometimes, I feel like I'm putting myself out on a limb in these posts, and it affirms my sense of trust in the human race to hear people like Key and others vouching for the same perspective about kids.

    My kids are so precious to me. I can't imagine feeling otherwise, even with teenagers.

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  18. I love you too, Tattooed Mama.

    Turd. Wow, there's a word she doesn't direct at herself often enough.

    I see women like her every Sunday.

    On a little show called Cops.

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  19. To hear that a parent is intentionally making her kids miserable makes me sick to my stomach. It's bad enough when it's unintentional, but intentional? Unforgivable. You could seriously fuck them up for life.

    And if it was said as a joke? It was in poor taste and wasn't done very well.

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  20. I LOVED her act, back when I first saw it on the Jerry Springer show, in '97.

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  21. I'm sure it was a joke in poor taste. Just saying she torments her kids is one thing. But turds?

    That's just a stupid fucking word reserved for the Al Bundy's of the world.

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  22. She makes me feel very very good about myself. And reminds me to get glasses. I honestly could NOT make out that header at all.

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  23. PS: LB, I think I might be ready to lay down on your alter. Wanna do me?

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  24. Back off, if anyone doing the do around here....

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  25. Mr. Lady of Blogher fame wants to do me? Sweet. I feel rather arrogant & en vogue right now.

    Or is that en vague?

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  26. Funny stuff. Poor thing, still doesn't know she got a bad review, looks like. Who knows? Maybe where she comes from "turd" is cute? Maybe it's like me calling my baby "monkey"?

    I mean, she has comments so obviously she has people reading her blog, so some people find it, you know, readable...? I'm trying to find the good stuff, but really, she comes out as the older woman in a wet T-shirt contest, that you wish would move a bit to the side, you know? The one that wishes Girls Gone Wild existed twenty years ago.

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  27. Mr Lady of stood on a stage and kind of made an idiot of herself and not it's on youtube for eternity fame humbly requests that you do her.

    XBox can have the other end. We've already covered that.

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  28. Do I have a 3 days buyers remorse clause or anything? Because I just now re-read that and threw up a little.

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  29. I spoke too soon.

    Do you get paid to be a bitch or does it just make you feel good to be above everyone else?

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  30. I promise that when you tell me to go fuck MYself, I will promptly do exactly that. With glee. And maybe thinking about X.

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  31. God, could you imagine if we got paid? Delicious.

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  32. And about my kids. They are teenagers. I love them, however, if any of you were ever teenagers, I'm sure there were times when your parents wanted to shove your head up your ass and take a Calgon break.

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  33. Trust me, kitten, if anyone here got paid to be nasty, this is a place you would certainly not submit your blog to. Look at the free nastiness already here. Your blog sucks. You can think whatever you want, but writing it makes it a different ball game.

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  34. Um ... Catscratch? I'm sure there were plenty of times when my parents didn't care for my bodacious ass ... they would NEVER, however, have bad-mouthed me in a public forum. Period.

    Time to put on those big girl panties and accept that your blog got the review it deserved. You may have some really amazing things to say ... but that's not evident from what's on your blog. You need to get out of your own way and let the real stuff hit the page if you want to get a better response.

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  35. I guess there's no explanation. I love my kids. Sorry I offended anyone here.

    You don't know me, my friends or family and it was all in fun.

    I really thought that came across.

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  36. It came across, but it was in poor taste.

    And if you offend people HERE...I mean, that's bad. Have you seen some of the shit Key vomits on these comments?

    (It's goddamn poetry.)

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  37. Thanks, Rassles, I think I'm tearing up. Kidding, I just got maced by a librarian.

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  38. Her jokes about her kids seem to be pretty obviously in fun to me. In much the same way I think we can assume Rodney Dangerfield didn't really want anyone to "take his wife." It's a staple in humor to write or say things like that.

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  39. Wow, she's really taken it hard.

    I just wonder if people READ the reviews here before they submit.

    I almost feel badly for her.

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  40. Were you a personal friend of Mr. Dangerfield? No. Did you know his wife? It's funny when it's delivered properly, but with this staple, the point is that somewhere, down deep, we all believe he wants someone to take his wife. And I don't feel bad for her at all. There again, I don't feel bad for many people to tell you the truth. When I was little, I felt bad for Tom Landry.

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  41. When I said I felt badly for her, I should have said that I feel badly that she is obviously really bothered by something she asked for.

    And then subsequently took really poorly.

    Good lord. Someone buy the barfly a drink.

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  42. Easy, Tits. I can call you Tits, right? I just got all fired up about someone thinking there was anything funny about her kid comments. If she was funny, which she isn't, we would know not to take her commentary seriously. But she isn't, therefore, I fully believe she intends to make her children miserable. Besides, I can't drink for another 54 fucking days.

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  43. It's not so much the 'review' that hurt.

    It's the way you people are like blood thirsty buzzards on a feed frenzy that really hurts.

    I saw the review you did for Slick. I think he's hilarious. I thought the review was cute in a sadistic kind of way.

    I didn't realize how blatently mean people can be when sitting behind a screen with a keyboard. I thought it was a 'tongue in cheek' kind of thing, not an attack of wild dogs.

    Anyway, thanks for the review. I wish you, your crew and your fans who watch the attack from the peanut gallery the best.

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  44. Key, I feel bad for Landry too. He got fired before he could ever see Aikman's beautiful ass running that field.

    So sad.

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  45. Key - Barfly referenced the reviewee... And no, you can't call me tits. That's reserved for DPH.

    I must now go circle roadkill.

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  46. Um, well, I guess we agree in some odd way, Rassles. BB: noted.
    Blood thirsty? Guilty as charged. Behind a screen? I don't see where that is relevant seeing as how your blog is done from behind a screen.

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  47. There you go Random, you have spirit. You know who else sucks? Collective Soul.

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  48. Catscratch, i've gotten my ass handed on a platter here as well, and the best thing you can do is take it for what it is - a wake up call! Getting friends to do some PR won't change anything either...

    Ok, now i'm gonna go back into that hole I crawled outta before Gene comes back at me with his magic wand!

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  49. Well well well Joesph.

    The new look is already much much better. I must have a read of what you've been up to....

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  50. Ah shit, must you Gene? Give it another two weeks if you will.. i didn't realize how much there was to work on until I got started!

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  51. Fair enough Joesph, I have to take my KKK smocks to the dry cleaners anyway, but I'll be back...

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  52. My apologies for the KKK overtones Gene.. apparently WTD here isn't the only person here with overtly defensive friends (which is what triggered my comment!)

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  53. Gene, you're doing it wrong. Buy the vinyl ones, just don't stand too close to the cross or things could get sticky.

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  54. I didn't ask anybody to do anything for me.

    I linked back to this site, as I assume that's what I'm supposed to do even if the review makes me look like a classless, heartless whore.

    Who am I not to link back?

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  55. Not a problem Joesph, was taken with the same level of seriousness as intelligence with which it was uttered.

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  56. Nothing wrong with being a classless, heartless, whore, White Trash Diva. But if you're going to be one, at least be one. Own it.

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  57. Do you get paid to be a bitch or does it just make you feel good to be above everyone else?

    While the salary is generous (I am occasionally allowed to lick keywork's ass), it's the benefits that really hooked me on the job.

    Did you even spent 2 seconds reading this site before you submitted your blog here? Clearly, you did not.

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  58. "Folks can love me for the bitch I am, bad habits and all, or they can kiss my ass. I is who I is."

    You'd think someone who writes this on their blog wouldn't give two shits if she was ripped or loved. Someone who write this should respond by saying, "I told you fuckers I was an offensive bitch, and these assheads agree. Suck it, I know shit, and am Divalicious."

    But this defensiveness? Completely contradicts the persona she blogs.

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  59. Earlier today, she had a graphic in her sidebar that read, "Little girls cry, big girls say Fuck You."

    I wondered at the time what her reaction would be when I saw that.

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  60. Betsey Booms, you know I like calling you Tits McGee. Not just tits. You're so much more to me than just tits (not really).

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  61. She didn't cry, though, so that's good. She got pissed and defensive, and punched back.

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  62. Aside from everything else, I just have to say that I found this part of the review so completely endearing:

    "I'm the girl who once made out with my cousin after a funeral (his dad's)"

    Only a girl with a really big heart would do such a thing. Kudos to you, Love Bites:)

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  63. Venom appropriately deployed, LB.

    Personally, I'm about fed up with rednecks. You know what's kind of funny? No matter where you go in the world you'll find rednecks. They're often called different things (chavs, bogans), but a redneck by any other name is still a drunk ignorant asshole.

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  64. You didn't ask? Au contraire, madam.

    Love bites, before you sound even more condescending than usual - a Herculean feat, to be sure - you might want to read all the comments first. She wasn't saying she didn't ask for the review. She was responding to this comment of Joe's:

    Getting friends to do some PR won't change anything either...

    If you're going to be more unkind than you already are, you at least might want to be patronizing about the right thing.

    Right, sweetie?

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  65. Melissa, point taken. You're correct.

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  66. One of the many things that suck about Wordpress themes is that many of them put all the tags up top, right under the title. Without knowing how to change the codes (CSS?), Wordpress bloggers are forced to choose that over something more annoying, say like 4 column themes.

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  67. P.S. See Review, Item 2. This wasn't entirely random.

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  68. Anyone else notice that the first part of her post kept changing?

    First it was the "I got review and they didn't ream my ass out". Then it was "I got my ass reamed out and they are all wrong". And lastly, it was "A BIG FUCK YOU!"

    Interesting how she kept changing her response as the comments about her "persona" kept coming.

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  69. Don´t mind me, I´m just laughing my ass off at the quote of the week now.

    I think when you submit here you have to kind of expect to get your ass handed to you, right? Not knowing that you might, is probably what makes your blog worthless to begin with - lack of forethought.

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  70. Oh Lord I peed myself reading that. Someone's asshole is now a mile wide. And it ain't mine.

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  71. Part of the fun of Ask is the verbal smackdown you get in the comments. Oh, you get a review, sure. But you also get the peanut gallery serving you shit up hot and tasty. Group effort and all that.

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  72. You know what I love? When someone gets a shitty review, posts about it, and their readers flock to them telling them that AAYSR should fuck off and that it's pitiful and shit. They seem to enjoy ignoring that this place is for ripping people apart, and it's never unwarranted or unasked for.

    And, if it had been a positive review - those same readers condemning the reviewers and commentators would be submitting their own sites for review as well. Double standard having assholes.

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  73. Oh my God this blog is a piece of shit.

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  74. Trashball. Heh.

    A new word in my lexicon.

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    ReplyDelete
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Grow a pair.