Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Random is Dead.

An old nemesis of ours, random, died recently. He was stabbed to death, repeatedly, by the blogosphere. He is survived by his loving wife, miscellaneous, and his children mundane, slapdash, incidental, and indiscriminate. Donations should be sent to thesaurus.com.

Say it together, out loud: RANDOM IS DEAD. You put a knife into random when you put exactly zero thought into your blog. You gave random a kick that fractured his orbital bone when you showed you didn't care. You put random into permanent kidney failure because of your thoughtless, slipshod, disorganized writing.

You, and you, and you, you all killed random. You're all fucking murderers, every single one of you who misused and abused poor random, and made him your bitch.

This message particularly applies to today's reviewee. I have ADD and reading this blog is actually painful for me. It bings from one subject to another, zooming headlong from an interview with Nelson Mandela to stories about flatmates.

I don't get it. I don't think you will, either.

At a minimum, this site needs to:

1) Create an about me. Who are you, and why in the fuck are you polluting the blogosphere with your random bullshit? This is how poorly explicated your blog is: I read for 30 minutes and STILL don't know your gender. Are you a he or a she?

2) Get rid of the ugly ads. You don't need 3 columns. You especially don't need a 2-column wide ad. I doubt you have more than 10 readers at this point. Who is buying this ugly shit you're advertising? No one.

3) Figure out who you are and what you are writing. See item #1.

I'm going to repeat myself from a previous review because some of you aren't paying attention:

Knock off the shtick, and learn to tell a story without killing it.

Ultimately, blogging is a simple thing. If you write it, they will come. It doesn't have to look good (note: I once gave an ifuckingloveyou to a blog on myspace). You don't have to promote it. You don't have to get on everyone's blogroll. You don't have to join humorblogs.com and ten million other blog promotional pyramid schemes to promote your blog.

You just have to do one thing, and do it well:

Write.


I give you a short bus. This blog, in its present state, has all the wit and sparkling charm of a coma patient.

And fucking put Random to rest, in the cemetary, where he belongs. He's starting to smell.

18 comments:

  1. Words I was shocked not to see in the "About": Whimsy, Musings, Ramblings.

    This blog, it's just not going to work for me, I'm afraid.

    ReplyDelete
  2. He is a man.

    First post in July 07
    http://www.theafternoonbreak.com/2009/07/

    ReplyDelete
  3. This review makes me think of last weekend when I was trying to cheer up one of my friends and she said it made her want to stab me in the face. See how that works! We would actually be very loving if we put Random out if its misery by stabbing it in the face! Or cheering it up! Or, um, something!

    ReplyDelete
  4. I clicked the link to the blog and clicked out of it right away because I thought I had arrived at one of those sites where some company has bought up the domain, but really has a bunch of unrelated topics and links and ads on it.

    I guess that's pretty random.

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  5. I felt like I'd landed in a .ru insurance blog - that template is horrid. I got through the first two posts and that was enough.

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  6. I think what hurts the most is that he/she/it THINKS it's really good. You can just tell.

    Massive ads like that make me crinkle my forehead in distaste.

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  7. A dicromatic nightmare.

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  8. I too clicked on the link, waited for the page to resolve, and then headed quickly out and back to here.

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  9. And random is such a good fucking word. I wish everyone hadn't turned it into a dirty whore.

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  10. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....

    The thing about the rash downstairs was a bit funny, but the next two posts were just nothing.

    The design is horrid, and what makes it worse is he's apparently paying for it. A bad blogger template is one thing. Who cares? It's free, but when you are willing to pay to put crap out with your name on it.

    Still, at least he travels, which is more than I can say for myself.

    I really feel for that poor flight attendant. Nothing worse than wee beastie yeasties.

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  11. Thank you for defending Random, Blues. Dinah Washington was random. Joe Jackson is random.

    But if you don't have much to say and no truly original way of saying it...

    Anyway, I clicked on an ad to make her feel better. It's like giving money to a beggar, but without actually spending anything! Fun!

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  12. CemetERY. Sheesh.

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  13. I love anonymous comments. They're so ballsy.

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  14. My best friend in the 1930's was in a big band jazz outfit called "Dicromatic Nightmare." They were WAAAY ahead of their time. I was blackballed by them because of my inability to play trombone unless I was concurrently swinging on a trapeze.

    Suck it, geeks!

    (It's an homage, Chris, not ridicule)

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  15. "Random" is a good fucking word, and it's frustrating as balls that there are people out there smart enough to thesaurus-upgrade from "boring" to "random."

    But then again, these are the people who say ridiculously boring things like, "I'm laid-back and easygoing. I like to party or just hang out. I like music and movies and traveling." And then everyone goes all swoony over it, as if they have NEVER MET ANYONE BEFORE WHO LIKE HANGING OUT AND MUSIC AND MOVIES AND TRAVELING.

    Sorry. That's not about this blogger. I didn't even check out the blog because of Random.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Hmmm. Something must be wrong with me. Not only did I not hate this, I kinda sorta liked bits and pieces.

    Like, posts are all very digestible length. All were understandable. Just enough to amuse me. Kind of like sitting in the doctors office and thumbing through Readers Digest for the Life in These United States and Humor in Uniform shit.

    So the random didn't bother me.

    What I didn't like: the ads. The fact that the blog purports to be for rating customer service, but isn't about that. The fact that it is so anonymous that I don't know who I am listening to. I even wonder if there are several squirrels on that there exercise wheel. Dunno.

    If I were rating this, I'd have probably rated it higher.

    Then again, I'm a bit of a sick fuck, and I was more amused by the "rash downstairs" than a normal human being might have been.

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  17. This blog is an exercise in perspective. I use to stress about my layout but it turns out things could be a LOT worse!

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  18. Thanks for the homage Pos. Trying to get LB to use it as quote of the week

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Grow a pair.