Monday, September 14, 2009

I'm a bitch, I'm a lover, I'm a child, I'm a mother

My son is sick. He's sitting on the big olive green chair coughing as if to emphasize this fact.

I'm sick. I got sick on Tuesday while working in Orlando this week, and have stayed sick now for a full 7 days. Someone asked me today if it was swine flu. I haven't been tested, but if half of Orlando and another unnamed Florida city come down with h1n1, it may in fact be my fault.

My dog is needy. She's crammed all of her 40 pounds into an 18 inch wide section of couch so she can lay her head against my leg and sleep. I hope we haven't infected her.

My daughter is annoying. She's disappeared right when I needed her to unload the dishwasher and help me fix dinner, so I'm on mom-strike, and writing a blog review.

Today is the worst possible day for me to review a mommy blog, because I'm full up on mommying today. The last thing I want to read about is more mommying. But, here we go.

3 Bedroom Bungalow, written by ex-pat Kat, is an exposition of contemporary military mom life while overseas in England.

Kat, as kindly as possible, you're doing it wrong. Reading your blog was actually painful for me, and I don't think it's because of the cold pills.

Kat has whiny children. Kat, why are you raising whiny children? The world is full up on whiny children, and they are not, in the least, amusing. It's our job, as mothers, to remove the whiny from our kids.

I'm not going to take this job upon myself, and publicly slap your children for misbehaving, but I will say that when people encounter you and your offspring in the grocery store, restaurants, and other public places, their faces assume a look of annoyance and like me, they wish that you would do your damn job as a mom.

Just from reading a couple of blog posts, I certainly wish you would. And you are posting about it, for all the world to read, as if it's cute. It's not cute. It's so not cute.

Kat does a lot of memes. A LOT. In fact, most of Kat's blog consists of meme posts. Kat...you're doing it wrong. That isn't blogging.

This blog is not the foulest piece of excrement ever to pollute the blogosphere. I'm sure some people like it, just like I'm sure that there are lots of people out there who like Kanye West and don't think he's a complete douchebag. I'm sure there are plenty of other moms out there who absolutely adore Kat's blog.

But, in my view, it's poorly (and sloppily written) and improperly punctuated. I have no interest in it. In fact, I have no idea why she submitted to us, or thought we'd like this hot sloppy mess.

I can't even get started on the template and the busy sidebar and all of the unnecessary shit this blog has going on. It's as if Kat submitted here with literally no idea of what we generally think about these kinds of blogs, or any regard, at all, for cleaning up this blog and making it presentable for anyone.

I give her

And this:



Go here. Read. Get better. Stop doing it wrong.

31 comments:

  1. You can keep trashing vets all you want....keep it up sucka, because as you type and hack and cough I'm making asktrashesvets.blogspot.com It will be all about how you trash innocent vets. What you don't know is that there are simple blogger gadjets that can alert the nav bar when someone googles certain terms and then what happens is traffic starts coming to my blog and then they see you for what you really are...VETRASH-ERS when my blog gets done with ya!

    THE REAL DEAHL

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  2. Leave it to Ray to teach us about how the internet works. YOU MEAN THERE ARE GADGETS THAT CAN DIRECT TRAFFIC TO YOUR BLOG???? Maybe you should Google Lithium. Guess what, twat, no one here cares about your traffic (or possibly Ask's traffic).

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  3. IF YOU COULD BE BOTH(HER)D TO READ CORRECTLY YOU WOULD HAVE INTERPRETED THE SIMPLE TYPE AS THE TRAP IT WAS, CIRCUMVENTED ANY FURTHER SELF INCRIMINATION BY SIMPLY IGNORING THE CLEVERLY LAID TWIST.

    I PURPOSELY LEFT YOU ANOTHER CLUE, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHABWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA SO YOU THINK YOU KNOW YOU KNOW NOTHING...LETS JUST SEE.

    My traffic to my new blog has increaed already today by pigsnouts. BALLS. I am great in a greatnest.

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  4. Poor lovebites. Hope you feel better soon and daughter lands a hand.

    I'm very grateful that you reviewed a blog today as the withdrawal was making my skin itch, but now it flames with guilt. You should have stayed in bed and watched some crap TV.

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  5. I'm a little amazed/amused by how ludicrous Ray/Chris is.

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  6. I think that Ray/Chris might be a little...uh, what's the nice word that's not going to get people mad at me? Challenged? Maybe we should send someone over to his place to make sure he's, uh, taking care of himself ok?

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  7. And, I know lots of awesome vets(Key's just one example) that don't fall into total douchebaggery, Chris/Ray's just not one of them. Sorry if you are a douche, having served may get you a high five but not a free pass.

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  8. GEO->ACK-KNOWLEDGE MY GREATNEST->WRITLEY SO. COMPLIMENTARY COMMENTS NOW BEING ACCEPTED ON MY NEW AND BETTER THAN ASK. I AM SO GREAT THAT I AM ACTUALLY GREATHER THAN MYSELF. Now. I can't be bothered with you scumsnouts no longer so today but I might be back to henhance you tomorrow if I decided that I need all this traffic. RIGHT NOW YOU CANT FATHOM HOW MANY PEOPLE LOVE ME IN JUST THE UNITTED S(HATE)S ALONE.

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  9. Take your meds Ray.

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  10. Please son, you know what the doctor said about what happens when you stop taking them.

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  11. This is my finally comment on this site because I grow tedious of trying to educate you people.

    Let me say it like this. While you think you're so smart, what you really are is predictable! See, what you didn't know is that while the medication insult was just a gleam in your keyboard's uterine canal, I was actually off taking my meds. YEPTRUE THAT. BUT. Now, listen 'fore you get all high and mighty like "WOW WE SURE NAILED HIM"...I do take meds but I used that to manipulate this entire day so that a stir would emboil itself in the internet....and hello? DID THAT WORK. LOOK AT MY STATS, HORSE IT DID. Anywheys...you shouldn't make fun of meds because they help people and they help me and medicated people have a right to express their artisic license through any medium and that includes being off meds to generate the nesssarry "media mindset"---as I call it since I coined the term and it began to catch on---to actually give people the type of blogging they ask.

    NOW I BID YOU ALL ADUEIE AS I WRITE ME NEXT BLOG TO SECURE MY POSISTION LINKED TO RANK GOOGLE.

    Balls out, I am still great. Medicated or not, scumsnouts.

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  12. He totally just Kanyed Kat's review.

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  13. That woman has 264 followers! How is that possible? Is it one huge gaggle of mommy bloggers? And I don't really like 'cast of characters' sidebars. I suppose they're useful but I don't approve.

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  14. Even ray has followers, and he went full retard a long time ago.

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  15. For a change of pace, might I suggest we find pictures like these?

    You're doing it wrong!

    You're doing it wrong!

    And... for our new found friend - You're doing it wrong!

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  16. You KNOW I love yuns, LB. Christallmighty, you're better than a Neti pot for clearing all the passages. All of them.

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  17. I'm guilty of clicking on Ray/Chris's links. It's the whole train wreck psychology. I almost never click through to the blog being reviewed, unless it promises to be horrible. I fear I am most, if not all 42 of RayX's hits this week. I notice that many of his comments are written by neo nazis. Is that a coincidence or is that his target/intended audience? I wonder if they herd-up like buffalo and mommy bloggers?

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  18. Psssssssst. The Hooker and I are pregnant.

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  19. The Meritocrat9/15/2009 1:12 PM

    Well said Aliecat, despite my personal (not favourable) opinions of Kat's blog, I don't think we can let the charming Ray hijack the review.

    I didn't manage to delve very deep into Kat's blog as I started exhibiting symptoms of narcolepsy, but of what I did read it seemed just about every other post was a jumble of random incoherent thoughts.

    'So when I was doing dishes'
    'I woke up this morning '
    'I saw a guy'
    'They should really'

    How hard is it to stick with one subject per post?

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  20. Key - Get the fuck out! Awesome.

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  21. I do feel kind of bad for Kat that all of her glorious thunder has been stolen by Ray. On the other hand, maybe she wants to split her ass-reaming with him.

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  22. Also, re: hooker/key offspring, weren't you supposed to have a vasectomy? Either way, congrats!

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  23. Thank you all (even Ray!) for the hearty, sincere, rip-roaring laughter you've given me this evening. But mostly Allie and the 'Kanyed Kat's Review'.

    I love you!

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  24. I'd just like to set the record straight. I'm not "Ry" and I am not posting all of these stupid comments on this blog. We had our little "tiff" and I've since moved on. Whoever is doing it is a childish, immature imp who deserves to be bitch slapped until they bleed. That being said, I've moved on. I've got better things to do than engage in this stupid bullshit. People disagree, that's fine, but this is just stupid. I'd like to kindly ask that the authors of this blog refrain from leaving any more derogatory and ridiculous comments on my blog. I didn't understand why it was still going on until I visited this blog today. Now I understand. I'd be pissed off too if somebody did this shit to me but I'm not Ray and I'm not leaving those ridiculous comments. I don't write in all caps and I usually don't erite too many run-on sentences, although I'm sure I'm guilty of a few. "Ray" is simple fueling a fire that should have been put out days ago. If you want to investigate it further, I'm sure you'll find out it's not coming from me. Peace in the Middle East.

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  25. After closely reading through all of "Ray's" comments, I might even suggest that the offenders are none other than the authors of this blog. I hope I'm wrong, because that is truly childish behavior.

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  26. Ky, congrats. I wish you and Hooker a long joyful life together with the kids. Love both of yous.

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  27. Who cares, Chris. I don't doubt for a sec that Ray isn't you. That Ray was great. You are not. If I were you I'd leave. Or I'd join in and start being more open to the terrain.

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Grow a pair.