Blame Humor Bloggers

A review from People in the Sun:

So last week I got this nice review done, and most people thought it was alright. Hell, it even had a Nazi joke! And here, so soon, is the review that will banish me forever from this community.

Because what we have here is a Humor Blogger. And I don't hate it.

Now, I understand the hatred for Humor Bloggers. They're bubbly. They're constrained by the need to tell jokes. They're like a bubbly community of monstrous sad clowns. They're my supervisor in the call center 5 years ago. She smiled her stupid smile even when she told me 5 minutes late is still late, and that at 8am I'm already expected to be ready by the phone. Because she had to smile all the time or else she would have exploded with self-pity and self-loathing and self-delusion.

So I understand the instinctive hatred for Humor Bloggers.

But beyond that, what do we have here?

First of all, I hate original Blogger templates. Find a blog you like, find the template link at the bottom, and get yourself a new template. I mean, that "Just hangin' out" line in the description is invisible, for Canadian Christ's sake.

Oh yea, he's Canadian. Whatever the hell that is.

Now let's go down that sidebar:

Humor Bloggers button. A Christmas pun. Links to his Canadian Politics blog. His chatting-about-music blog (why do all his blogs start with these dots? What am I missing here?). His awards-other-bloggers-have-given-him blog. His blogroll blog. Another Humor Bloggers button. A picture of Elvis ironing. It's moving endlessly. Because it's a GIF. Who gives a fuck. It's the most annoying thing I've ever seen. Two more Humor Bloggers buttons. God I'm getting annoyed. And Friendfeed, and Tweets, and Followers, and something called LOL BLIPS Rating, and this thing that tells you where traffic is coming from because as a reader I'm supposed to give a fuck? And some stickers, which are these horrible one liners you find at that call center supervisor's cubicle, and of course: yet another Humor Bloggers button.

Man... And there are more buttons at the bottom? Shit!

OK. I feel this review is already too long, so I'm just going to go through the content quickly.

It's not horrible, see? And that's the tragedy of it all. I mean, it's not really for me, and I don't think I'd wake up and say, "I wonder if there's a new post up?" But I also wouldn't kick this guy out of my Google Reader. Most of the stuff is original and not annoying at all, considering the Humor Bloggers connection. In other words, ever met anyone involved in improv theater or stand-up, and you know they're testing material on you while they're supposedly having a regular conversation, and it's the most annoying feeling in the world? So this blog isn't like that. It's genuine, and even with all the buttons, you don't get the feelings that he's trying hard to make you laugh. He's doing whatever the hell he wants, really, and that's good, in principal.

But it also means that for every original Christmas Song post and for every genuine post about his health, you also have a couple of posts about US politics, which don't really go anywhere, a collection of cut-and-pasted editorial cartoons, and some posts about nothing, that you finish reading and feel like Will Smith just erased your memory with his Men in Black gadget.

And captions contests.

Now, whatever I think about captions contests is irrelevant. The commenters are genuinely having fun, so who am I to judge? And that's what it's about, really. Humor Bloggers are not monstrous sad clowns at all. They're not my call center supervisor. It's just a bunch of people who like to make each other laugh, and what's wrong with that? Knowing the Internet is full of shitty motivational posters, isn't a community of bloggers actually the best part of the internet? Congratulations, Internet, you're using your powers for good this time.

So at the risk of being the Paula Abdul of this site, I will say again that I didn't hate this blog, and I can't give him the fiery finger. But I can't praise it either.

The Dufus needs to make drastic changes to his design. Dufus, if Humor Bloggers forces you to put 10 buttons on your sidebar, you should join forces with other members and protest. This is YOUR corner of the Internet. How much traffic are you getting from LOL Blips? Do they deserve room on your sidebar? I bet even your most loyal readers can't stand this Elvis anymore. Put some Goddamn thought into what you have on your sidebar. And change your template. Your writing is original--so make the whole package look more personal. And get rid of those dots.

Unless its a Canadian thing. In which case, power to you, eh?

Tangerine Dream

First impressions of Cuileann:

I’m lost.

I don’t know who these people are.

How long has she been at this? Holy crap. That long? That’s longer than me.

What does the "about page" say? Hmmm. Did that help? A little. Not a lot.

I roll back to the very beginning. Try to find the beginning of the thread. The beginning begins in high school. Lots of high school girl interest paragraphs that meander too freely from subject to subject. They lose me.

When does the substance begin? Where should I get on?

Second impressions:

I go back to the present day. Some posts are not for me, but they are so short I can scan past them without too much guilt. Lots of free form. Very little context.

I gather that recently there was a rather long trip to Australia to visit people she refers to at times, but I don’t know these people. And their stories flow past me like conversations in passing rail cars. She gives me pictures, but the captions are sparse, and I’m not 100% sure who is who.

Lots of photography. Some very good. Some, not so very good.

Third impressions:

I could read a long, long time if I had a long, long time. Which I don't.

Maybe if I did, a context would appear. But not being able to read a long, long time, I feel like I can start anywhere. Each post is short and extremely economical with its choice of words. Many read like poetry that doesn’t feel like poetry.

This is not necessarily a bad thing.

Overall, this is like a book you can crack open to almost any page and find something short and worthwhile. I hate to use the phrase, but I think of writing like this as bathroom reading. Not a reflection on the quality of the writing, but perhaps on the duration of the posts. Do with that what you will.

What would I do to improve this? I might provide some context within some posts. I might include more about myself in each post, rather than provide a dreamlike impression of the world around me. (Then again, the more I read, the more complete the picture of Cuileann becomes.) I might choose to have fewer labels in my sidebar, as that many is too many for my little brain to process. I might bring the archive further up to make it easier to find a nice middle place to start from, as starting from the most recent is ... difficult.

It is interesting to watch the evolution from 2003 to the present, via spot checking posts along the way. The subject matter becomes less teenangstery and more “in the now.” A person matures before your eyes.

Some of you will probably fucking love this. Some will dismiss it as self-indulgent naval gazing. But I am the reviewer and I get to award the stars. Are YOU going to like it? I have no idea. (Part of me has a hard time caring what you think.) But there’s definitely something appealing there to me. In the right dosage.

I kind of like it and I’m having a hard time verbalizing why.

Three stars.

Must you tease me?

Alright class, settle down.

I see you've enjoyed your time with me away trying your hand with some newbie teachers (god bless them for some of the blogs they've had to put up with). With winter holiday nearing, I know your concentration is limited and all you can think about is your Secret Santa's giant package.

All I can think about are giant packages too and god do I wish they were those kinds of packages.

You see, I've been moving house. And knowing that my ass-reaming stilettos and my metal beveled ruler were buried somewhere at the bottom of an unidentifiable cardboard box made me very irritable indeed, obviously rendering me incapable of providing the ass kickings expected of me (it also made me incapable of properly expressing to my beloved school janitor the urgency with which I needed him to reassemble that fucking Ikea closet).

But with boots and ruler unpacked and at my disposal, the janitor at home soaking his calloused hands and other tender bits I may have been too rough on, I come to you, my sweetlings to see if any cognitive development has occurred in my absence.

Well, let's have a little lookie, shall we?

First of all, sweet baby Jesus screaming in a manger, when are you kids going to get it through your heads that having an About Me page is essential for ADD readers like me? I don’t want to have to click through post after life-sucking post like I'm solving a murder mystery before I connect the dots that your blog sucks balls. Tell me who the hell you are and why the hell your blog deserves me to be reading it.

Secondly, for an artist and clever ad designer, Kedar's template should shame him all the way back to kindergarden fingerpainting for its absolute lack of originality. I mean, I know he likes to keep his art simple, and I can appreciate that, but a little more effort put into the design would be nice. Put some goddamn tinsel on that poor lifeless tree, some popcorn on a string, a reindeer made out of popsicle sticks, ANYTHING. I'm about to faint from boredom and I haven't even taken one look at your posts.

As to the blog's content, despite me really digging on some of his artwork and loving his subtle way of communicating, I have to admit that many of his posts left me almost hooked but wishing there had been slightly more to them. Kedar is sort of a tease. I know he's got the goods but he doesn't deliver all the time.

Like many of the ASKERS around here, for me, blogging is about the writing. I know this blogger is more into his art, but I want more words than this to accompany them, and not just any words, the words that he's hinted at being capable of writing. Don't just show me the pretty picture you painted, give me more background. I want the stories, the reasoning, the juicy brain details that I know are part and parcel to the artwork. I fucking love it when he gives me the tiny glimpses into the disconnect he feels with people, but dammit I wish he'd quit teasing me and give me more of his juice, his essence, implicating an uninvolved reader like myself.

The real test for me with this blog is that I started at the beginning and went through post after post and realized that unlike most of the blogs I review, I didn't feel like banging my head against the screen until the blog went away. I was actually gawking my head to the right and then left and and wanting to show my coworker and wanting to buy the t-shirt and wanting to mass email this stuff and annoy the fuck out of every one of my contacts. But despite my inclination to really get into this guy, I was left feeling like I was being denied some really good stories.

For now he gets two measly stars but I hope he really does get better by developing his voice and thinking about the writing outlet that is this blog. I hope he will one day slam some of those colors and that subtlety evident in his artwork directly into his keyboard. Because that combined with his images would make this one blog I could really fucking love.

AniMeh

I have to start this review with an admittance: I don't know shit about Anime. I know as much about Anime and Asian film as I do about Indian culture, which is basically nothing, as a few commenters were so kind to point out to me a couple of weeks ago. To those "commenters" (some of whom I suspect may have been or known the reviewed blogger) I want to make it clear that my critique of a blog written by a person who belongs to a culture outside of my own is not a reflection of my feelings or opinions about all the people who belong to that particular culture. In other words, if I hate your blog it's because your blog sucks. My hatred of your blog has nothing to do with your ethnicity, country of origin, hair color, religious beliefs or sexual orientation. I'm not swayed by what you look like, what you weigh, where you're from, or what you do for a living. When I review, what I give is only my personal opinion, which you asked me to reveal, and I base that on the merit of your skills as a writer and story-teller. And for the love of of all that's holy and unholy, if I compliment your grammar or language skills don't get your panties in a bunch and start accusing me of being racist and condescending. If you ask me to review your blog, then an honest comment on your skills as a writer is appropriate. You can shake your fist to the sky and whine and call racism and your blog will still suck and I will still hate it. Only after all that, I will also hate you. Got it?

Back to my review of JapanCinema, an Asian Film/Anima Review database. My only peripheral experience with this film genre was in college when I knew this guy who spent most of his spare time watching it and obsessing over it. He eventually got so depressed that he was hospitalized in a locked psychiatric ward and needed electric shock treatments. It was a fucking horrible situation. Did watching big eyed cartoon characters deal with cataclysmic world events drive this guy to madness? Probably not. I'm fairly certain there's no causality between him watching Anime and developing severe clinical depression, but since that time the two have become inextricably linked in my mind. So when I saw my review assignment was an anime film review blog, I had to resist the urge to swallow a handful of pills from an old prescription for Zoloft sitting idly in the back of my medicine cabinet.

The bottom line is that if you watch Anime/Asian films, then this blog may be of interest to you. Otherwise, there is really no point to reading it at all. The blogger, whose name is Marcello, acknowledges in many of his reviews that he is writing for an audience already familiar with the genre, such as in this recent post where he says, "I won’t waste time giving you a synopsis. Those of you interested in reading this review should be familiar regardless". He is self-aware enough to realize that his blog is a niche blog and writes his reviews accordingly. He makes no real attempt to appeal to a wider audience.

I do admire this Marcello's obvious enthusiasm for Anime. He has a deep respect for the artistry involved in the creation of the films. In fact, his passion for the beauty of some of the reviewed films is almost enough to make me want to risk a mental breakdown and pop one in my DVR. He even provides some helpful preview videos of the movies he's critiquing. I have to agree that the animation is quite lovely on some of these films. Those big-eyed children are a little creepy but also beatifully drawn and interesting. This blogger also reviews live action Asian films and some American films that were inspired by, or direct remakes of, Asian films (i.e. The Departed, which is based on the Chinese film "Infernal Affairs").

Truthfully, though, most of Marcello's reviews read like a junior high school book report.

The one thing that really annoyed me about the movie was the ending I can’t say why to much because that it’ll give it away but it is heart breaking with what happens to one of the characters in the movie.

Amusingly, he has the tendency to make up words, such as "dramatical" and he makes some odd word choices, such as here where he uses the word "nature" rather than the more logical "name" - "Eureka Seven...is of course another film based off of the popular tv series of the same nature." There are also some careless spelling and grammatical errors ( i.e. "In terms of story
this didnt left me with an empty feeling"). It's actually hard for me to believe that this guy even managed to publish a children's book, but according to his About Me he did. Perhaps Marcello is capable of better writing but gets lazy and fails to edit any of his posts before publishing them. I sometimes make grammatical errors when I write, but I don't make a habit of it. If this blogger has any respect for his readers and himself, he should spend a little more time and effort editing his work before posting it.

He also might want to read over some of his reviews to make sure that they actually make sense. Take this contradictory excerpt for instance:

I was very skeptical as to whether or not I’d like this movie, since I didn’t particularly enjoy the time I spent with the TV series. The movie was breathtaking. The animation quality, the art style, character design, everything in the artistic realm of this movie has been improved from its television form. Again, I’m not sure how much it would appeal to fans of the TV series. However, if you’ve never seen Escaflowne, I’d say this is a good place to start. It feeds you the plot with relative consistancy, and it’ll probably get you itching to see the TV series, too. But if you’re like me and you love the show and everything about it, then you may walk away complaining.

So does he like the original television series or not? I'm not going to pretend like I care about the answer to that. But maybe his readers do. I'm pretty certain that they want him to have a consistent opinion.

As for the template, it's very functional and easy to navigate. If you're anything like me and seeing use of the phrase "love da laydeeeez" makes you die a little inside then I would suggest avoiding the About Me section of this blog altogether. The sidebar is very busy. Is it really necessary to have sections called Categories, Archives, Popular Reviews, Newest Reviews, and Anime Series Reviews? That's overkill. On top of all those, he has a damn Twitter feed. I have an irrational hatred for Twitter feeds on blogs. If you must include your Twitter in some way on your blog, then I just feel that a "Follow me on Twitter" link should suffice.

There's a part of me that wanted to give this blogger a flaming finger or two. But I can't bring myself to do it. So it's a

The Sham-Wow-ization of Our Lives

So I'm all excited because I'm asked to review a blog, which means that if it's an amazing yet underexposed blog I get to recognize it and let the world know. It's an amazing feeling. That's how Marco Polo must have felt! So I say Yes and wait for the link. And then I get this shit: The Sham Wow of the blog world.

I wouldn't say sites like these ruin blogs. It's like saying The Shopping Channel ruins television. Well, there's room on my TV for HBO, Comedy Central, Rachel Maddow, and Tova's latest scents, so what do I care? I've never bought anything from QVC and I never will.

But why did Amy ask to be reviewed? Just to get the added link? Just to get more people to visit her site and maybe buy some shit? Just for the chance that someone here mistakenly clicks on an ad?

Probably. But it's actually even worse than that. Amy is not just a harmless Sham Wow saleswoman. She's not another Tova. She's not the Video Professor. She's not Billy Mays, Alav Hashalom. See, unlike these people, power to them, Amy's giveaways come with personal stories. She's selling us water coolers while telling us about her elderly Nana. She's selling us some fucking towels while telling us how she was afraid her kid had H1N1. She sells us MOR shitty music while inserting some random family stuff: "My mom likes him, I like him, and even Lovie is pretty crazy about him. He's young but soulful, energetic but smooth." Like my butt!

Maybe it's me. Maybe I expect too much. Maybe I'm wrong to think that whoring the story of your child's H1N1 virus just to get a free set of wipes is evil. Not Nazi evil, just internet evil.

And you know, there's no reason to be too rough with Amy. It's not like she's trying, after all. You don't complain about the acting and the dialog on QVC, so why should I complain about this site? Good luck to you, Amy. I hope the freebies you get to write this shit fill your heart with joy and laughter, I hope Nana is okay, and I hope Lovie gets to see that dude play live one day.

(Oh, and of course you don't really care about this review--only about your ads. So I'm going to Make Mom Happy and click on some of the shit you're selling. You're welcome.)

Is That the Lotus Position or Are You Just Happy to See Me?

It is with great trepidation that I, your gentle author of Here in Franklin, dip my toe into the roiling waters of Ask and Ye Shall Receive. When Madame Bellicose beckons, I have no choice but to follow.

Around here, on the buckle of the Bible Belt, we don’t get much exposure to Buddhism. Heck, I’m Episcopalian and even that is viewed as somewhat exotic in the land of Baptists. However, before Thanksgiving, I spent a week in Japan and got a first-hand look at some sacred Buddhist shrines. I saw giant gold Buddhas, little tabletop Buddhas, Buddhas of every shape and size. I think I even drank a Buddha beer.

So when I was asked to review One Zen Mom, I couldn’t help but reflect on my own recent travels. Surely this was meant to be. Buddha=zen, right?

Perhaps.

To begin, I remember a time when I divided the world into people who thought Monty Python was funny and those who didn’t. These days, I tend to divide the world into WordPress vs. Blogger. As a WordPress devotee, I just find almost all Blogger sites cluttered beyond belief. Unlike my office desk or kitchen counter, I like my blogs clutter- free. Give me the basics—an About Me section, a Best Of option and Archives. Please, for the love of Buddha, get rid of the buttons, badges, ads and autoplayers. Unless you’re Dooce, you’re not making enough money to keep me in my daily large Diet Coke with lime from Sonic. Plus, even with my super fast connection, it takes your site ages to load and scrolling is clunky and slow.

Second, learn the difference between a hypen (-) and an em dash (—). They are not interchangeable. If Blogger won’t give you an em dash, at least use two hyphens with NO SPACES between the words on either side. Yes, I realize that this is slightly OCD, but it really distracts from your words.

I did not read every single entry, but Zen Mom gets mad props for blogging regularly. Some fall into the mommyblog realm, some are pleasant enough recountings of weekend activities, (although I must say that “to die for” meals are hardly ever served on paper plates) and some are just really, really good.

And here’s what’s interesting, Zen Mom knows when she’s hit a home run. She has a list of entries she would save if her blog was on fire. Almost every one of them is golden. Especially this and this.

You know when you do it right, Zen Mom. Remember that when you post something like this—you have a nice voice and style, you don’t need gimmicks. Sharpen your focus. Think about your audience. Lose the hyphens.

There’s some really nice writing here that earns you:





But, for your fugly template and badge-orama, I give you:

Minus:





Net result:





And thank you for shopping at AAYSR.

Fwd: fwd: fwd: fwd: cut that out, already

Hey kids! Ginny of Praying to Darwin here. Madame Bellicose asked me to fill in, do a review, post SOMETHING for the love of god. She sends her regrets, and will be back as soon as she can. I'm not at liberty to give any details; suffice it to say that when you are picking a "safe" word for the evening, maybe avoid citrus fruits, because in the heat of the moment, it's hard to remember whether it was "tangerine" or "clementine" that meant stop. And by the time you remember which was which, or even which one has seeds, enough time has elapsed for some really freaky shit to go down.

But I digress.

If you were to hack into my email, right now (don't though, please, because I am far too busy/lazy to change my passwords), you'd find a metric butt load of forwards. Forwards from well-meaning folks. Folks who think that by forwarding mildly racist jokes and kookily captioned pictures, they are making my day. And maybe making me think that they, by association, are funny. But they don't make me laugh. They make me sad. Sad that I wasted my time. Sad that although these (mostly semi-elderly) people have figured out the gull-durned interwebs, they're only using it to spam me with this crap.

I read blogs to get away from that.

And then I get to review Venom, Secrets, & Lies.

Uh oh.

Because Venom doesn't just let these high-LARIOUS forwards sit in her inbox. Nope. She turns 'em into posts. A lot. Of posts.

And when she's not posting tired email forwards, she's flogging the living shit out of something called HumorBloggers.com. To the point where I wonder what these people have on her. (In a post where she contemplates shutting the blog down, she second guesses herself based solely on the idea that changing her blog will get her punted by these people. That scares me.)

So it would be easy to dismiss her.

But I can't.

Because when she just lets loose and tells you what's going on in her life, tells you a bit about herself, or sets up her very own, original joke, she's easy to like. When she just talks to you, and stops trying so hard, she's all potential. Her writing style makes me feel like we're having a conversation at her kitchen table, over coffee laced with not-cream. And I like it.

So Venom, here's my two cents (and since we're both Canadian, there's no pesky exchange rate to get in the way): break free. This whole HumorBloggers thing you've gotten yourself into is hemming you in, restricting you, and not in a fun, S&M kind of way. I think there's someone in there, worth reading. When you get her out, on a regular basis, I'll want to read regularly.

The email forward/HumorBlogger stuff gets you a flaming finger.

But damned if I can't stop myself from giving you a star,

because I want to come to Manitoba and talk to you and not hear jokes my grandpa already forwarded me.

P.S.: Please don't think I'm hating on HumorBloggers.com. I understand the idea of community building as a reason to blog. I really do. I just don't like what it's doing to this particular blogger. So there.